I seem to always be waiting however I don't think I wait patiently. I want things to be easy, to be immediately available, to be ok; and I don't want to wait, actually I don't like waiting.
I was not patient when I would wait in line for Santa Claus at the shopping centres, I have major road rage as I impatiently wait in Sydney traffic on the way to work and being a foodie, I hate long waits at restaurants (you truly don't want to see me when I am 'hangry')
But somehow in the most crucial of times, I become a patient person. I was patient when the doctors were resuscitating my mum in hospital after she had a stroke and seizure. I learnt to be patient with the diagnostics to determine if the lumps in my father's chest were cancer.
I am not sure why I can't actively be patient for the everyday things such as waiting in traffic or waiting for my food but somehow I am master of this skill when my life or others' depends on it.
But my impatience has meant that I have also not been kind to myself when it comes to healing, I want to be healed from my trauma overnight, and I am not patient in this task.
I practice self care, but I am not healed. I see a psychologist but my problems aren't solved. I want to be healed. It is my most sought after goal but I don't give myself the time to heal. I am impatient in my journey to be whole again, to be loved again, to be accepted again. I have rushed and it has led me to crash and burn, it has taken me back to day one. And all I do is repeat.
But in more recent times, I have come to think what does it mean to be healed? I have been so impatiently waiting for healing, but what does it look like?
I can tell you what it looks like; it's laughing again, it's smiling again, it's trusting and loving again. But it's also crying again, building strength and not being so harsh on yourself. In my rush to be 'healed', I missed these milestones because I was too impatient.
Healing is different for everyone, but we must be kind to ourselves, give time and energy. We cannot be healed from our past traumas overnight, but we can keep trying because each day will bring more happiness, greater strength and the prospect of a return to normality.
They say patience is a virtue. I believe that if one must acheive this virtue, one should be patient.
I was not patient when I would wait in line for Santa Claus at the shopping centres, I have major road rage as I impatiently wait in Sydney traffic on the way to work and being a foodie, I hate long waits at restaurants (you truly don't want to see me when I am 'hangry')
But somehow in the most crucial of times, I become a patient person. I was patient when the doctors were resuscitating my mum in hospital after she had a stroke and seizure. I learnt to be patient with the diagnostics to determine if the lumps in my father's chest were cancer.
I am not sure why I can't actively be patient for the everyday things such as waiting in traffic or waiting for my food but somehow I am master of this skill when my life or others' depends on it.
But my impatience has meant that I have also not been kind to myself when it comes to healing, I want to be healed from my trauma overnight, and I am not patient in this task.
I practice self care, but I am not healed. I see a psychologist but my problems aren't solved. I want to be healed. It is my most sought after goal but I don't give myself the time to heal. I am impatient in my journey to be whole again, to be loved again, to be accepted again. I have rushed and it has led me to crash and burn, it has taken me back to day one. And all I do is repeat.
But in more recent times, I have come to think what does it mean to be healed? I have been so impatiently waiting for healing, but what does it look like?
I can tell you what it looks like; it's laughing again, it's smiling again, it's trusting and loving again. But it's also crying again, building strength and not being so harsh on yourself. In my rush to be 'healed', I missed these milestones because I was too impatient.
Healing is different for everyone, but we must be kind to ourselves, give time and energy. We cannot be healed from our past traumas overnight, but we can keep trying because each day will bring more happiness, greater strength and the prospect of a return to normality.
They say patience is a virtue. I believe that if one must acheive this virtue, one should be patient.
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